Well, it’s been quiet.
Too quiet. For the Captain, that is.
That’s because the Captain was hard at work on his movie. And it turned out like it did. Oh, well.
But the Captain returned, in true form, this past week. Oddly, after a trip to the dentist. The Captain was going for his biannual tooth checkup when the hygienist mentioned its been years since my last 360 X-Ray of my mouth. I was also informed it would cost about $400.
My question: What the heck do you need one for? My teeth are all in my mouth. They aren’t growing out of my posterior yet. That’s when she changed her mind and called it a 180 if you want to be technical. I said I did and then it should only cost $200. There was a threatening move toward one of those iron hooks they stick in your mouth for their own megalomaniacal purposes, but I think thoughts of malpractice insurance must of scared her off.
Or my charm. Could have been my charm. That’s always a choice.
Soooo…they have me stand at this contraption that looks like the machine Bill Bixby climbs into during the opening credits of the “Incredible Hulk.” I was already feeling a little pumped up when this X-Ray Technician type says, “Uh, hold onto the handle bars.”
“Why? I’m very good at standing around on my own. Standing around, not hardly moving. That’s what I’m good at. It’s not like you’re asking me to work hard. Then I’d be looking for help.” You know, like my maids.
“You have to lean in.”
“Why?”
“That’s how the X-Rays are taken.”
“So you’re telling me my teeth are leaning. Will I need braces?”
She was probably thinking, “You will when I’m through with you,” but instead she simply pushed my feet forward into position and started up this weird contraption that circumnavigated my noggin. It made a hell of a racket. You know. Like me. Most of the time.
Then it was back to the hygienist for my semiannual “talking to” about flossing. Do I look like I have time to play with twine? Leave me alone, lady. I still have Halloween candy to eat.
“Tim, are you still using the antiseptic Listerine I told you to use last time?”
“I can’t tell a lie that’s so easy to verify. No, I am not.”
“Why not?”
“The bottle ran out.”
“Well, get another one.”
“But you didn’t tell me to get another bottle.”
“I am now.” Obviously, she’s dealt with me before.
Defeated, I went to Target to buy their knockoff version of Listerine. I picked the new Citrus flavor so I figure I picked up some Vitamin C points while I was at it.
Unfortunately, the knockoff brand plastic bottle isn’t as … er … sturdy as the original. I go to reach for the bottle and unscrew the cap which is the “shotglass” for the stuff. I grab the bottle midway and instead of picking up the bottle, I have created a FOUNTAIN as all the liquid bubbles up and commences to cover the entire sink and toilet area.
Took forever to clean up.
And three straws.
Ewwww.
Yours in tragedy,
Captain Catastrophe