It’s been an odd week. But it is Lent now, so I have to take a moment and decide what to give up.
Then I thought about giving up vegetables.
For some time, the issue of the cruel carnage inflicted upon the helpless vegetable population has weighed heavily on my mind. I am taking this religious season to mark my silent protest to the silly slaughter of green organic foodstuffs. My diet will consist of only objects containing a face. Or deep fried stuff. That’s good, too.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting this week, because just a few hours ago marked the 15th Anniversary of my radio broadcasting hobby. It has been a lot of hard work, but knowing it is appreciated makes it all worthwhile. Today, I received a proclamation from Scott Walker declaring today “Tim Kretschmann Day” in the county of Milwaukee. I didn’t even put out my Kretschmann stockings yet.
So that was cool.
I decided to watch my little movie that I cobbled together to remember the 15 years and 50 pounds that have passed by me. They’ve been good years, and the best is yet to come.
Due, at least in part, to my courageous stand on the whole vegetable rights issue. To be sure.
I was talking to Dori at lunch and remembered there was a great untold Captain story and on the occasion of this blessed event (“Tim Kretschmann Day”), I thought I’d relay the story.
So this is about six years ago or so. I’m still involved in the Milwaukee Donauschwaben and the club I founded, the Stimmung Society, at the time. I’m out promoting this great event we were going to have–a sheepshead party–and I’m doing the usual. I’m sending out press releases. Shooting e-mails to everyone and their kid brother. Pushing the event every spare second on the radio show.
One of our “hooks” was that my father, Elmar, was going to actually TEACH sheepshead at this thing. Now, that’s something a little bit new and that got the attention of the Channel 6 news.
Nicole Locy over there called up to have us on the morning show in a short segment on a Tuesday or something just before the event. My dad set up his vacation, we planned out our German costumes to wear and dusted off a nice deck of cards to show off on the show.
No problem.
Dad would teach the card game and I would push the event. I knew the date by heart. I could quote the menu using rote memory alone. We were wired and ready to go.
The day before I get a phone call. Apparently, tomorrow was no good. Busy news day. Could we reschedule to Wednesday? No problem.
Except Dad had already booked his vacation time. Couldn’t just change it…uh – oh.
See there was one little problem. Dad plays sheepshead. He’s really good. Played every day at work during lunch. He knew the game cold.
I’ve never played it. I barely remember the rules to Crazy 8s.
This was going to be an interesting interview.
So I get to the Channel 6 station the next day and say hello to Nicole Locy (who was dreamy). I sit at a table waiting to be called out and I’m staring, intently, at this cheat sheet my father had written up for me. What the heck was I going to do? I mean this pack of cards doesn’t even have all the cards in it!
Five minutes til Nicole comes out and wires me up for sound. Since this included putting a transmitter down my pants by Nicole, I wasn’t exactly concentrating at the problem at hand for a moment. You know the whole “I never played Sheepshead and I’m about to be interviewed as an expert on the subject” thing. I thought I probably shouldn’t tell Nicole, though. I didn’t want to make her nervous.
Yeah. Right.
They stand me by this little stand up table–like they have downtown so you can eat standing upright–and I deal out the cards in order, face up, on the table. This, of course, is not something you would ever do when playing sheepshead, but I told her it was nice and colorful and tried to pretend this was leading up to my lecture on sheepshead playing.
Oh, this was going to go well. Had to. Look at what it had going for it. I had visual aids. And a mental condition, apparently.
Lights.
Those lights were so bright. Why is it so hot in here?
Camera.
The remote controlled camera rolled over. The iris closed in and I was looking down its barrel. I gulped for air.
Action.
“Hi, Nicole.”
It went downhill from there.
She introduced me and I let her introduce me as an authority on sheepshead. I smiled, though. I said something about the Germanic roots of Schapfskopf and started into my ad about the event.
She stopped me. Meany.
“So how do you play the game?”
“Well, it’s hard to show you in a few minutes here. It takes a lifetime to learn, you know.”
“Can you start us out?”
“Sure.” Afterall, I was an authority on playing Sheepshead. “Uh, five players gather around a table.”
“What’s the first thing they do?”
“Well, from what I’ve seen, first they order the beer.”
“Ha-ha. What’s next?”
This was not going to end well. “You have to prepare the deck. See all the cards aren’t in here.”
She looked ready to ask another question, so I went into it blindly, “But you won’t want to miss out this Sunday at our Card Party at the . . .”
“Then what do you do?”
“Deal out the cards. We have bratwurst available and tickets are only . . .”
“So is there a high card?”
Who knows how the heck I answered that one. I sure wasn’t listening anymore. I did mention if you are really interested in learning, you could come to the Sheepshead lessons Sunday . . .
Well, the segment ended and I think I actually had Nicole fooled. Of course, she might have just been polite. Which is actually more plausible.
I get home and the answering machine has three messages. One wanted more info on the sheepshead lessons. One wanted directions to the hall. One said I didn’t know anything about Sheepshead and that I screwed up a couple things I had said (which wasn’t bloody much outside the time and date of the party). I called him back, apologized for having “an attack of nerves” and sat down to watch the tape.
I’m still shocked criminal charges were never filed. Sheepshead is a religion in these parts and I committed some serious heresy. Nicole looked good, though.
Probably never ate her vegetables.
Yours,
Captain Catastrophe
P.S. Make sure to celebrate Tim Kretschmann Day today and keep it in your heart all year long!