I know. It’s been a while for the Captain. Since I had my bicycle put to sleep (used lethal injection–seemed most humane), I really haven’t injured myself.
But this morning something happened that was classic Captain Catastrophe.
So, I’m going to breakfast. It’s part of the routine, you know? The routine is to get up, go to work, log into the computer, go to breakfast with Dori. Now, part of the routine was interrupted–Dori is on vacation. This could throw the whole day off, but bravely, I soldiered on.
First, there was getting out of the chair. Some people make a “fatty grunt” as they get out of the chair. Not me. I emit a “Fatty Wail of Misery.” I believe I even heard it echo. Then I had to go upstairs to the cafeteria for breakfast. This kind of scared me. Without Dori around, who was going to spot me if I collapsed from all the physical activity? Clearly, I could die from over exertion. There are nearly two flights of steps.
So I took the elevator–purely for safety.
I emerge from the elevator and I’m feeling pretty good. Had a great weekend with a wonderful guest on the show. I made it past the “job eliminations” at work. Everything was looking kind of sunny.
I get to the breakfast sandwich lady (not Edith this time) and I order: “Sausage, Egg, Cheese on a toasted bun.” Notice anything? Oops. Hold on. “Add bacon.” Whew! Anyway, today I wanted the toasted bun, not the usual grilled bun. Call me adventurous. And that’s how it started.
They have an odd little industrial toaster up in the cafeteria. It has a track of metal that carries the bread past the electrical heating elements, not your standard pop-up variety. Well, the buns were apparently a little too tall. So the buns got stuck. Soon, a pretty yellow flame was engulfing my breakfast buns.
I notice and I ask, “Is that supposed to burn like that?” Now I ask you–am I a moron? What type of fricking question is that? Of course, idiot-boy, it isn’t supposed to burn like that! It isn’t supposed to burn at all! It’s supposed to toast–thus the name!
Anyway, she rescues the thing with a spatula and a set of tongs. So I’m thinking, fine, no toast. She didn’t give up that easy. She takes a new bun and starts pounding down on the thing–flattening it. See, that way it wouldn’t get caught in the toaster. Plus–it wouldn’t be nearly appetising anymore, making this whole exercise futile. I really didn’t want these buns after being compressed with the heel of her hand, but what am I to do? Can’t complain or I caused a fire for no particular reason. So I grin. Apparently, she doesn’t know the food rules–one of which is as follows: Mashed potatoes–good. Mashed buns fed through toaster–not so much.
Dori not being in probably caused it. But not as much as later, because I went to lunch alone.
My mother will tell you that I get some pretty weird ideas when I’m left alone. I tend to think straighter when other people around because I don’t want to be a total goof. Not true when completely alone. I guess this is why I like to take trips alone. Either that or no one will go. Let’s not go there.
I’m coming down the escalator from level 3 to level 2 of the Grand Avenue Mall and decide to go to the Calendar store, which is actually across the balcony level–closer to the up escalators. I get out and I look at the long walk back to the down escalators, and then that naughty smile goes across my face.
I reasoned: “It will take a lot of energy to walk way over there to the down escalators, and the up escalators ARE RIGHT HERE. There’s no one around–it’s the Grand Avenue afterall. I would also save the company time as I would get back to work earlier.” So I approach the up escalator, ready to run on down.
My foot had hit the metal plate and I look up and there’s Juan. For those in the company, you know who I mean. This actually made it tougher. Because of all the bosses at the company, Juan was probably most likely to think this is funny. Had it been a fuddy-duddy, I would have called it off immediately, but I was having difficulty calling off the stunt due to Juan.
I eventually did call it off. I looked around some more, saw the Rent-A-Cop and decided the better of it and started to the down escalator. I went from Captain Catastrophe to Captain Coward in two seconds flat.
So that’s the latest. Until the video. Debuting Saturday, October 30.
Sincerely,
Tim Kretschmann
a.k.a. Captain Catastrophe